The Adventures of Xero Brainz
by GrimmZ
Summary: Alien commander Xero Brainz documents the strange hu-mans of the Ranma universe, and will decide if he should wipe out humanity, based on his observations. Make no long-term plans.
1. The Stupidity Begins!

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, I invented Commander Xero Brainz and his crew, and I aint proud of it   
  
Note, the L.I.L annoyance is about the size of a housefly, it's crew it microscopic.  
  
The Adventures of Commander Xero Brainz.  
  
Prologue  
  
"Star date 7.24.2.04, Commander Xero Brainz of the L.I.L. Annoyance, personal log. My men and I have landed on a strange-enormous-planet called e-arth. The crew of the Annoyance is eager for shore leave on this strange planet, unfortunately we know nothing of this world, or it's possible inhabitants. The stranger structures called "Mall" and "Burger Thing" suggest that there are intelligent life forms, but are they intelligent enough to pose a threat to our mission?  
"And what is that mission? I keep forgetting . . .  
"At the petition of my crew I have decided to observe the dominant species of this planet, they are called hu-mans I think. We have been observing one herd recently, but expect to expand to others. It is truly amazing how these creatures manage to survive without the use of their brains.  
The herd we are observing is called Sum Herd, named for the scientist who came up with the idea, Sum Chik. Of course I am the one who does all the herd watching, it seems only I care, Mane Ack wants to destroy the entire planet and try to sell the rubble to our enemies, and Dat Guy wants to take the hu-mans as slaves. Both ideas have merit, but I want to observe these creatures before waging a war we could so easily win . . .  
  
Part I  
The Stupidity Begins . . .  
  
Tendo Kitchen . . .  
Xero is whispering to himself, "Here we have the alpha female, we have affectionately named her Cookie, for she cooks for everyone in the herd. She hunts for food in the large white monolith (fridge), or the enormous caves (cupboards) then burns it alive and feeds it to the herd . . . she is preparing a meal right now in fact, aha, a magnificent feast. She takes the big red box and empties it's contents into a bowl, rips open the head of the large white rectangular creature and pours it's white blood into the bowl, now she adds a spoon and the meal is ready. Ingenious!"  
  
"Akane!" Kasumi calls, "Your cereal is ready!"  
  
Xero is still whispering to himself, "Aha, yes, now she issues forth a mating call to summon her mate . . . eh . . . no, no I am mistaken, she calls to her young and feeds it. This little female we wanted to call Cannot Cook or Swim, Sum Chik said that was a stupid name, so we call this one Flat Chested Violent Maniac. Aha, Maniac seems pleased with the meal provided by her alpha and bows in reverence-"  
Akane falls face forward, "Bah! I tripped!"  
Kasumi shakes her head. "You must be more careful . . ."  
Akane eats her cereal then leaves for school.  
  
Xero is still talking to himself, "Aha. And Maniac flees and leaves the cave, perhaps she will return, perhaps she will fall prey to one of the larger hu-mans. Let us continue to observe these creatures."  
The L.I.L. Annoyance drifts into the living room. Soun and Genma are playing a are cards. Why? Because I said so.  
Xero will never stop talking to himself, "And here we have the alpha males, for we cannot seem to determine which is the true alpha, at times they are both rather pathetic. The one with much hair is called Crybaby, the other is Fat Bald Smelly Man. Fat Bald Smelly Man is my favorite, I named him myself. They are now preparing strategy to attack another cave, they do this often. Aha! What is this?"  
  
Ranma shows up, women cheer, cameras flash and babies drool.  
Ranma looks around in confusion. "Uh . . . what was that? Never mind. Hey pop!"  
Genma doesnt bother to look up at him. "Don't you have school today, boy?"  
Ranma shrugs. "Oh yeah . . . where's Akane?"  
"She's gone to school." Soun says, and plays an 8.  
Ranma scowls. "She didn't wait fer me? I guess I'll have to catch up to her and annoy her until she's good'n sorry."  
  
"This one is called Jackass." Xero says. "The name should be self-explanatory. He's a jerk. He may be the offspring of Fat Bald Smelly Man, I've yet to come to a conclusion, I've decided today to take a DNA sample and see . . . NOW! (Presses a button) I have just sent Sergeants Ex Tra, and Use Lass to obtain DNA samples."   
  
Ranma rubs his elbow, "Ow! Hey! That bee stung me!"  
Genma laughs, "Don't worry boy, he'll never do it again-OUCH! You little son of a–"  
"Darn bee!" Ranma swats Sergeant Tra's star Fighter out of the sky.  
  
Xero shakes his head solemnly. "Alas, a sad day for us, our attempts failed, Sergeant Ex Tra was slain in the attempt. No matter."  
"WHAT?" Ex Tra's wife screams, "No matter? Oh my darling husband!"  
"Yes . . . throw her out an air lock." Xero commands.  
An air lock opens and someone screams  
Xero frowns. "Well . . . that was the wrong guy, but that's okay. Now, back to our observations. Aha. Jackass leaves, now we shall observe the habitats of these creatures . . . yes . . ."  
The Annoyance inspects the bedrooms until they find Nabiki still asleep in her bed.  
Xero jumps up excitedly, "Aha! Actual footage of a hu-man in the process of sleeping! I was hoping we'd find something like this!"  
"My husband!! WWAAAHHHH!"  
"Why is she still on the bridge?" Xero sighs, massaging his forehead. "Anyway, this one I shall name Sleepy. Yes, that name seems fitting now. When not living up to her namesake Sleepy is rarely found without something in her mouth. Most of these things she eats. She is also known to have large amounts of strange rectangular pieces of paper with numbers on them, also to have a vast collection of large bronze, gold, or silver disks on which is writing, faces of other decorations. She goes to great lengths to take these possessions from other members of the herd, and especially the male rouges who occasionally come by to attempt to mate with Flat Chest Violent Maniac. Runs With a Sword it seems is a primary target."  
Nabiki stirs, looks at her clock and groans, then runs around the room in a panic.  
Xero frowns. "Uh . . . not living up to her reputation of intelligence now, we shall leave before she begins to shed her nighttime skin and change into her normal . . . much less covering skins."  
"I think it is called clothing sir." Sum sighs.  
Xero massages his forehead. "You want to be thrown out of an air lock? No? Then shut up!"  
  
To Be Continued ... 


	2. First Contact

The Adventures of Xero Brainz  
  
Disclaimer: In addition to the junk I don't own mentioned in the first disclaimer, this story contains original characters made by me, they are not real, nor are they based on real people, at most they are based on stereotypes. This was ONCE a script format which despite being really easy and fun to write was against the rules, so I changed it, I think it was better as a script format, but whatever.  
  
Author's Note: BEFORE YOU READ ON This story will have massive use of the word "Jackass" it isn't meant as a curse, it's just the name Xero gives Ranma. If this offends you, I'm sorry but my original name for Ranma was "Pigtailed Hermaphrodite" but that's just wrong, the purpose of the story was to make fun of the characters, not necessarily bash them and Pigtailed Hermaphrodite is a pain in the neck to write every time Xero wants to refer to Ranma. Xero Brainz and Ex Tra are not based on Zero and X, the names are coincidence that I didn't notice, they were supposed to be jokes. I.E. Zero Brains, Some Chick, Extra, Useless, etc.  
  
Part II  
First Contact during the Mating Season?  
  
Xero is whispering to himself, "What a day! We've had significant gains. Today seems to be the mating season as several females in heat have come for Jackass."  
  
Shampoo shoves a bowl of ramen under Ranma's nose, "Ranma eat Shampoo's ramen, no?"  
Ranma backhands the bowl and it hits Genma on the head. "I'm not hungry!"  
Ukyo glares at Shampoo, "Here's your delivery Ranma-honey, eat up!"  
Ranma gives Ukyo a confused look. "I didn't order anything!"  
Soun stomps over and grabs to Okonomiyaki. "I did!"  
"Uh . . . right." Ukyo chuckles.  
Akane glares at Ukyo and Shampoo, "Ranma! I want you to eat MY cooking!"  
Ranma scoffs. "I don't wanna DIE Akane!"  
Akane lets out a loud battle cry and throws her glass of water at Ranma's face.  
  
Xero sighs. "Alas, Jackass cant seem to decide which female to mate with. Let's move on. No wait! Aha! I hope my camera crews are getting this! The incredible hu-man mating process performed by two females, Maniac and Female Jackass!"  
(Akane and Ranma are fighting, no martial arts, they're just rolling around trying to scratch each other's eyes out.)  
Xero grins happily, "Aha. Well, now that we've got actual footage of two females in the mating process we can assume that hu-mans have invented same-sex relationships, as such they are just nigh of sentience. Somehow their mating seems more akin to the wrestling matches me and my brother used to watch and then imitate."  
Sum sighs. "That isn't mating sir. Mating is what Fat Bald Smelly Man and Sword Woman did last night, I'm not sure what that is but wrestling might not be far off-"  
Xero rolls his eyes, "And it seems "Know it all" Lieutenant Commander Sum would like to be thrown out of an air lock!"Sum grumbles to herself, "Mutiny solves nothing, mutiny solves nothing . . . but it sure would feel good!"  
"Let us continue!"  
  
In the kitchen  
Nabiki rummages through the kitchen. "Hmm . . . where does that crafty Kasumi hide those cookies?"  
Ryoga appears from out of nowhere. "Hey Nabiki, what are you doing in-"  
Nabiki holds out an annoyed finger to silence him. "Not the time lost boy."  
Ryoga scratches his head, "Huh?"  
Nabiki shoves and icecream cone into his hands, "Here, I'm going to search the cupboards, hold my delicious ice cream cone, if you eat it I'll kill you."  
"It's melting!" Ryoga cries in panic.  
Nabiki ignores him and continues her search, "Yeah, well do something about that. But don't eat it or you die!"  
"It's getting all over my hands!"  
"So long as it isn't in your mouth." Nabiki shrugs.  
  
Annoyance bridge  
"Aha! What is this? It seems that Sleepy and this unnamed male are in the process of hunting for food!" Xero says, impressed with how good of a documentary voice type person he is.  
"What do you mean 'unnamed'? That's-" Sum gets cut off by Xero.  
"I will call him Bartleby!"  
"Sir?"  
Xero shrugs. "He must be called something."  
Sum shudders. "Yes sir . . . But Bartleby?"  
  
Kitchen  
Nabiki holds up an oatmeal raisin cookie in triumph! "Haha! Think you're so smart hiding them in the cookie jar don't you Kasumi? Well I'm wiser! Heh! Alright Ryoga, give me the . . . Hey!"  
The ice cream cone is gone  
Ryoga feebly tries to look innocent. "I didn't eat it!"  
Nabiki considers this for a moment, the gasps with realization, "You lie!"  
". . . yes." Ryoga runs for dear life.  
"Come back and die like a man!" Nabiki bolts after Ryoga, ready to make him die.  
Ryoga runs into the closet, Nabiki goes in with a frying pan, Kasumi appears out of nowhere and locks them both in.  
Kasumi laughs maniacally. "Take that you cookie bandits!"  
"Ahh! My brains!" Ryoga cries.  
"Eh?" Kasumi pauses for a moment, then recognizes the voice. "You're in there too Ryoga? What are you doing in a closet with my sister!?  
"Getting my head bashed in!"  
Kasumi shakes her head. "Well you two are just going to have to stay in there and think about what you've done!"  
"Ahh!"  
"Don't worry, you should be fine." Kasumi shrugs. "How much damage can she actually do? What about your Breaking Point training?"  
"It never applied to the BACK OF MY HEAD!"  
  
Xero looks confused. ". . . what the heck was that about?"  
"What's this? No half baked theory?" Sum scoffs.  
Xero frowns for a momment. "Ahh! You're right . . . yar! Obviously a predator appeared and they took flight, and the alpha female has placed them in a protective area of . . . protection."  
Sum lets out a bored sigh. "Looks more like . . . Okay, you know what? You're right sir, can I get off duty early?"  
Xero scowles. "Yes, I grow weary of your complaining, go away!"  
"Bah, you know you want me."  
Xero scratches his head. "Eh? Aren't you my sister?"  
Sum pauses for a moment, then just shrugs. "Maybe . . . I don't remember." She leaves.  
Xero sighs. "All alone now . . . what to do?" He wonders.  
Xero stands there thinking for a moment. He stares into space and doesn't blink, a micro-fly lands on his eye and after ten minutes he decides to wave it away.  
"Commander, Chief Scientist Sum left five hours ago . . ." The ship's computer reports.  
Xero waits another ten minutes . . . "Hey! . . . She did leave, didn't she!? Who gave her permission? The gal of that female!"  
"You gave-" The computer begins.  
"Shut up! I've finally decided what I'm going to do. Where is the nearest hu-man?"  
"Eh . . . ahem. Sleepy and Bartleby are still in the closet." The computer clear's it's throat.  
"Bah!" Xero scoffs. "The predators must still be around, we'd give away their location if we made first contact with them . . . and why is my computer clearing it's throat?"  
The computer quickly changes the subject, "Next nearest human is Jackass."  
Xero forgets his computer's strange behavior. "Take me to Jackass!"  
  
Livingroom  
Xero whispers to himself, "Captain's log, star date . . . I don't know. Tonight I have decided to make first contact with the one known as Jackass. Here I go!"  
  
Ranma is up late watching TV, and listening to Ryoga's cries for help with no small amount of amusement. He'd briefly entertained the thought of saving Ryoga, but then this was probably as close to a date as poor Ryoga was ever going to get with an older girl like Nabiki, by not saving Ryoga's life, Ranma was in fact doing him a favor. At least that was his way of thinking.  
Then suddenly an image appeared in front of him of a tall guy with large red eyes, blue skin and red tentacles for hair, his legs bent backwards and his arms were rather long, ending in six fingered hands.  
Then the figure shimmered and became a shoe.  
"I am Commander-eh Captain Xero Brainz of the L.I.L. Annoyance, I have come to observe your race and have decided that you are a prime candidate for first contact." The shoe said.  
"You were an alien a minute ago . . ." Ranma points out.  
"Yes, well you could never comprehend my true form-"  
"Yes I could." Ranma protests.  
A shoelace comes out like a bullwhip and whacks Ranma's cheek. "No you couldn't! Anyway I'm using holograms to project this image of me in a light that is more easily accepted by you."  
Ranma raises an eyebrow. "A talking shoe?"  
". . . I look like a shoe?! A shoe! That's just stupid!"  
Ranma nods. "Really stupid."  
"Do not agree with me, Jackass!" The shoe commands threateningly.  
"Hey! What'd ya just call me!?" Ranma demands.  
"No time, we must be quick. Now, tell me Jackass, do you enjoy living?"  
Ranma thinks about this for a while. Can he honestly say yes when his life is so messed up? "Yeah I guess. Why do you keep calling me 'Jackass?'"  
"I have an interesting offer for you, Jackass." The shoe says. "You see my ship and crew are here to observe you hu-mans. If I don't like what I see, I am going to blow up your entire planet."  
Ranma just stands there speechless.   
"I will watch you and your herd closely," the shoe continues, "depending on your interactions and so on I will decide what to do. Project humans in a positive light and you'll be able to mate with Flat Chested Violent Maniac many, many more times!"  
Ranma considers this for a moment ". . . Flat chested . . . violent maniac? Oh! Akane. I never 'mated' with that sexless tomboy!"  
The shoe chuckles. "Nonsense, we have it all on tape. Computer, display!"  
A hologram of female-Ranma and Akane fighting one another appears, Ranma groans.  
"Oh, we'll be 'mating' a lot then."  
Shoe sounds uninterested, "Good for you. Well, remember, good light and what not and-"  
"Commander! What are you doing!? We're not supposed to make CONTACT with them!" Some voice shouts from the other end of the line.  
"Gah! Curses they wont let me have any fun. Well, farewell Jackass!"  
Ranma growls, "You call me that again and I'll put my foot up your holographic-eh I mean . . . eh . . . farewell space traveler!"  
The shoe disappears, Ranma decides to go save Ryoga and get to work on that 'projecting humans in positive light' Little does he know he's too late!  
  
Kitchen  
Ranma opens the door and Nabiki and Ryoga fall out.   
Ranma jumps up and down frantically, excited and fearful to tell his friend and rival everything. "Ryogaaspacealienjusttoldmehegonnadestroytheearthand. . . are you wearing each other's shirts?  
Nabiki yawns ". . . I was wondering why I didn't have to button it up."  
Ryoga scratches his head, "I was wondering why it didn't fit!  
Ranma shudders. "I'm not even going to ask!"  
"We were in there for five hours!" Nabiki cries defensively, and shows Ranma her watch and makes it glow. "Beating up on him stopped being fun after a while, he's too tough for it to sink in. So we found something even more fun to do, and it was great because thanks to that stupid rock training he's got endurance like you wouldn't believe!"  
Ranma shudders. "I didn't need to know that! Anyway I said I wasn't going to ask!"  
Ryoga and Nabiki trade shirts back, Ryoga turns to Ranma and tries to move the subject away from the closet activities. "So Ranma, ah . . . what were you saying?  
Ranma takes a deep breath, "Ryogaaspacealienjusttoldmehegonnadestroytheearthand-"  
"Slowly!" Ryoga says, irritated.Ranma breathes in and out for a moment, then says slowly, "Ryoga . . . a . . . space . . . alien . . . just-"  
"Not THAT slowly!" Nabiki snaps.  
"All right! A space alien just told me that he's going to be observing humanity and that depending on our actions he'll decide weather or not to blow up the earth!"  
Nabiki looks around nervously. "Uh . . . our actions?"  
Ranma nods. "Us, as a herd-eh family. So . . . since Ryoga is practically part of the family, no more fooling around."  
"Fat chance." Nabiki sighs. ". . . well, I'll cancel my long term plans."  
"We're doomed!" Ryoga sighs.  
"Yes we are . . ." Nabiki says dejectedly. Then her expression brightens, "Ryoga, you wanna come see my room?"  
"Sure!" Ryoga beams. They leave.  
Ranma scratches his head "What the heck is wrong with you people!? The world is going to end and you go show him your room? What's so great about your . . ." A light bulb of realization appears over his head, he shudders, "Oh my gosh! You two are sick! AAAHHHH!" He runs around in circles until he gets tired and goes to sleep.  
  
L.I.L. Annoyance  
"Sir! What were you doing?"  
Xero chuckles nervously. "Eh . . . Ensign Use Lass . . . don't tell Sum, I was making first contact."  
"You're afraid of Sum finding out?" Use balks in disbelief. "What about high command? You get executed for that sort of thing!"  
Xero scoffs, "Heh! How's high command going to find out? And what could they do to me?"  
A big screen behind Xero comes on with a very angry female face, a caption on the bottom idenfies the person as 'High Admiral Xero-Tall Rance'  
"XERO!" The admiral roars.  
"Ahh! Mom!" Xero panicks.  
"Dont call me that!"The High Admiral cries, "I have no son!" She pauses for a moment in consideration, then adds, "Besides your brother."  
"Aww c'mon, that's not nice." Xero pouts.  
"Why did we just get a report of an unauthorized holographic emitter use?" Xero-Tall Rance demands.  
Xero struggles to think of a good excuse ". . . Eh . . . Use Lass did it!"  
A robotic arm comes out of the ship's ceiling and throws Use Lass out of an air lock.  
The High Admiral eyes her alleged son suspiciously. "We'll be watching you, Commander!"  
Xero lets out a cocky laugh, "Yeah right. Hey!"  
Sum runs onto the bridge, "What's going on? What was all that!?"  
Xero scowls hatefully. "Those jerks at High Command! They threw Use Lass out an air lock!" He falls to the deck and pounds his fist against the floor crying out to the heavens, "Those monsters! They killed him!"  
Sum holds back tears of bitter lament, "Wow . . . I didn't think you'd get so upset at some one else's death sir . . . maybe you have feelings after all . . ."  
Xero shakes his head violently, "That JERK Use Lass owed me twenty bucks!"  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	3. Is this right?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, no Ranma ½ characters, nothing. Except Xero and his crew, but I'm not proud of them.  
  
Part III  
The Second Herd . . .  
  
Xero sits on the deck whispering to himself, "Commander Xero Brainz, star ship L.I.L. Annoyance . . . Star Date . . . I honestly cannot remember . . . the star dates are so long and complicated . . . why must it be?"  
Sum sighs and looks up at commander in frustration, "Sir . . ."  
"So, what's on the agenda today?" Xero beams at what's left of his crew.  
"I'm considering mutiny . . ." Sum says casually.  
"Great. How 'bout you, Mane Ack?"  
The musclebound crewman shakes his head violently, "I'm too scared to perform my duties."  
Xero's jaw drops in shock! "What? But you're my war monger!"  
Mane cowers in the corner, even his commander's jaw dropping is scary! "Lately the crew has been dropping like flies." He explains, "There's a one in five chance that I'm next." He falls to his knees and cries to the heavens "I'm too young to die!! Take Sum!! No one likes her!!"  
Sum massages her forehead for a moment, then whips out a laser pistol and shoots Ack.  
"Gah!" Mane falls to the ground screaming, the crewmen applaud Sum's marksmanship, then Mane gets up nursing a laser burn. "You shot me! You shot me in the arm! That wasn't nice!"  
Sum just shrugs. "Stop complaining, or me and Crak Hor wont be the only females on this ship!"  
Xero rubs his head and continues with his log, "my remaining crew, Sum Chik, Crak Hor, Dat Guy and Mane Ack, are all rather agitated, the loss of Use Lass, and Ex Tra weigh heavily upon us–"  
"Don't forget Ex's wife, and Rong Wun, who you threw out of air locks, and then there's She Hot whom you court martialed for refusing to date you, then there's No Moe who never even survived the trip to this cursed planet–" Sum corrects her commander.  
Xero slamms his head against the log, "All right! I get it! I get it! Anyway, in order to give Jackass enough time to rally his herd to acting good and whatnot, we've decided to view another herd."  
Sum slams her fist on her consol, turns to her commander and shouts, "Tell the truth! We got lost."  
". . . shut up." Xero pouts.  
  
"Stupid Mousse, always trying get in Shampoo's way!" The delivery girl scowled, backhanding her admirer.  
Mousse ignord the pain, and continued what he thought to be a very successful 'wooing' "But Shampoo, we go together like lyrics of a song! Mousse and Shampoo . . . Mousse . . . and . . . Shampoo . . ."  
Shampoo backhands him again. "Why Mousse not understand Shampoo hate Mousse?"  
Mousse again ignores the pain. "I understand perfectly, but I also saw a lot of movies where the leading lady starts off hating the leading man, but they fall in love in the end, so I hold out hope."  
Shampoo shakes her head in resignation. "Fine stupid Mousse. If Shampoo not fall in love with you by end of two-hours, the longest Shampoo ever sit through movie, then you forever leave Shampoo alone!"  
Mousse scratches his head, he was thinking more along the lines of two years ". . . uh . . ."  
  
Xero observes the herd and speaks to the documentation log, "This is the--notably smaller--herd of Blind Eye Duck Boy, Short Wrinkled Child, and Purple Hair Sex Goddess . . . I named them myself."  
Dat sighs, "That's obvious sir . . ."  
Crak Hor shakes her seductive head, "We need to stop letting him name things . . . our species in general isnt very good at naming. I mean look at my name!"  
"You're named after the clergy of our Goddess of Chastity, Prosta, head of the Prosta-institute, or Prostitute for short." Sum nodds, having majored in Religion during her tenure at the Weekend Officer's Academy.  
Crak shakes her head violently, "Yes, and here these . . . earthinoids or whatever, know of the Prostitution and have made a clergy of their own . . . they are full of Crak Hors, the highest order of the clergy and from whence my mother--hoping I'd be a priestess--found my name, and they do terrible things to their bodies! I'm so ashamed, how could the teachings of benevolent Prosta have been so poorly interpreted?"  
Xero scratches his chin, "That's enough, I've got the strangest feeling that talking about stuff like this is immoral. Mighty Prosta will smite us for sure."  
Sum scoffs "If she takes you first I'd die happy."  
Xero glares at Sum ". . . can we please get to observing the herd?"  
  
Cologne whacks Mousse with her stick for no apparent reason.  
Mousse twitches. "What did I do?"  
Cologne just whacks Mousse again.  
"Elder, I did nothing wrong!"  
Cologne looks at her watch, and then whacks Mousse twice, knocking off his glasses.  
Mousse sighs and puts his glasses back on, "I have dishes to wash . . ."  
Cologne whacks Mousse again, "Go ahead, I can keep this up," she whacks Mousse "while you wash those dishes." She whacks him again! "If you drop one, I'll see to it that you remain a duck for the rest of your life . . ."  
Mousse sighs. "Somewhere (whack) out there . . . there must be a (whack) place . . . where I can (whack) be accepted . . . for who I (whack) really am . . . on the (whack) inside . . .  
Cologne looks at her watch again, "Boo frickidy hoo!" She whacks him extra hard, "Do those dishes! You said you had dishes to do!"  
  
Xero: Obviously the offspring of humans has an interesting way of begging her father for food. Very interesting, only the Snork Beast on our own world seems to have the ability to launch such an assault on it's sire or dam and not be eaten . . .  
Sum tries to suppress the disgust playing across her face and mumbles "How did you ever get a command?"  
Xero scratches his head, "Have you got something to add, Chief Medical Officer?"  
Sum raises an eyebrow, ". . . Chief Medical . . . you son of a . . ." she sighs, lacking the necessary energy to scream. "I was only saying sir, our people's Gods must be incredibly vengeful, and I must have sinned grotesquely to be stationed under your command."  
Xero nods. "Great. I'm glad you're here too."  
Sum slams her head against the console repeatedly. Alarms go off, the lights flash blue like a disco, so Xero Brainz starts dancing.  
Dat Guy frowns, "Uh . . . sir . . ."  
Xero continues dancing, ignoring Dat's complaints, and Mane's screams of panick.  
Dat shouts, "SIR! That's not music, that's a warning klaxon, this isnt a blue light party, it's the blue alert, Sum's attempt at cranial damage has resulted in the ship's clever cloaking device being disabled, and ourselves being exposed to the herd . . ."  
  
Mousse scratches his head. "Did that fly just turn into a bee?"  
Cologne whacks him. "Less talk, more wash."  
  
Xero shakes his head and sighs. "Chief Engineer Sum . . . how could you?"  
"Yeah, don't you know it's the commander's job to do all the stupid stuff that dooms us?" Crak complains.  
Sum shakes her head in disbelief. "Yes, I know . . . I'm so sorry . . . so ashamed . . . I will promptly throw myself out of an air lock!" Reaches under her consol and produces two suit cases, she heads for te air lock.  
"No! Stop her!" Dat cries.  
"If she dies we're stuck with the Commander as the only one who knows the course home!" Mane realizes.  
"And I'll have no one to share secrets and have slumber parties with!" Crak Hor complains, Xero raises a hopeful eyebrow at her, but she shakes her head and he slumps in disappointment.  
Sum looks skeptically at Crak Hor. "We don't do that now! However you're right, if I die you're stuck with the idiot, I must not abandon you, my comrades."  
Xero beams at the remnants of his crew. "My crew respects me so much!" He says firmly with no sarcasm at all, "This makes me feel energized! Well Sum, your failure was crippling at best, but we shall recover. First we must tranquilize this herd, tag and mark them, then wipe their memories to make them forget all they've seeeen!!!"  
The crew groans, Xero notices the Klaxon is still sounding, and the lights are still flashing so he starts dancing again.  
  
Five minutes later . . .  
Mousse frowns. "What's this thing on my head?"  
Shampoo rubs her head, it feels like she's just had a lobotomy. "Ooh, we all wear strange hats!"  
But they are not wearing hats, the things on their heads are skull caps with all sorts of alien machinery sticking out, it is grafted onto their skulls at the expense of their scalps, and parts of their brains . . . it is an unintrusive alien device.  
On the flip side, Shampoo did forget that she hated Mousse, and consented to date him, unfortunately over the date she was reminded of why she had hated him before, and promptly went back to hating him.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	4. Ranma Done Gone Crazy!

Part IV  
Ranma Done Gone Crazy!  
  
"Commander's log, star date 7.9.04.4.40 . . . uh . . . I think. Sadly we lost Crak Hor in a freak piggy accident."  
Sum sighs. "Commander, we're getting the probe data on the pig's digestive system now."  
Xero rushes to Sum's consol excitedly, "Let me see . . . curses, so they aren't bottomless pits! Well I guess it's fortunate Crak and the probe didn't make it back, or I'd owe her twelve dollars!"  
Sum sighs again. "To die over a twelve dollar bet . . ."  
Xero shakes his head, mourning the loss of yet another member of his crew. "I know, sometimes people give up the most important things for the dumbest causes."  
Mane Ack nodds. "Like when Sum bet her life savings, her home, and everything she'd ever had on the flip of a coin?"  
Xero raises an eyebrow. "Oh? What happened?"  
Sum holds her face in her hands and weeps, "It was tails . . . I lost my money, my children and I was sent to a gambling rehabilitation center . . . I escaped and joined the military . . . and met the worst commander in history."  
Xero gaps in shock, "You met my father Xero Sorvi-Vorz?  
Sum frowns. "Hmm . . . well, hopefully the second worst commander in history."  
"Incoming sir!" Day Guy cries, "Giant hand at twelve o'clock high!"  
Xero returns to his chair and looks at his watch. "It's only ten, we've got plenty of time."  
  
Akari waves a scolding finger at her giant Sumo-Pig. "Oh Katsunishiki, you sure are attracting a lot of flies today. I guess you need a bath."  
"Oink Oink BELCH"  
Crak cries faintly "help me . . . help me!"  
  
Tendo Training Hall . . .  
Soun scratches his nose, "Akane, what's Ranma up to?"  
Akane shrugs. "He's telling people in the streets to be kind to their fellow man."  
"Wasn't he trying to cure world hunger?"  
Nabiki chuckles. "He got confused, so he paid me to do it. He seems to think the extra work will keep me away from Ryoga. What an ignorant fool!"  
Soun raises his eyebrow at his middle child. "What's that about Ryoga?"  
"Nothing daddy." Nabiki goes back to her plan entitled "Merciless Slaughter of the Hungry"  
Akane scratched her head, "Hey, where is Ryoga?"  
"He's working." Nabiki yawns. "I asked him to take care of Ranma's cure for racism."  
  
Elsewhere . . .  
Ryoga is wandering around and finds a man, "Excuse me sir, my father was Japanese, but my mother was Chinese."  
The man gives him a strange look. "Uh . . . okay."  
"My twin sister is half Jewish." Ryoga continues.  
The man shrugs. "So you're Jewish on your mother's side, or your father's side?"  
Ryoga chuckles. "Oh no, I'm not Jewish."  
The man looks confused. "How could she be half Jewish if you're not? You said you were twins, right?"  
Ryoga shakes his head in pity. "Your kind makes me sick sir! Judging someone by the color of their skin!"  
The man looks realy confused now. "What the heck are you talking about? Come to think of it, how'd you get into my house?"  
Ryoga ignores the question and continues. "To rid the world of your kind I have been instructed to hand out these fliers . . ."  
"Let's see . . . it says . . . 'the aliens will zap us all, regardless of race anyway' and there's a picture of some blue guy and a green guy holding hands as they get zapped with death rays . . . that's cute . . . and stupid . . . but I'm not a racist." The man says.  
"Then my work here is done, mission accomplished. Up, up, and away!" Ryoga jumps out a window.  
"How'm I supposed to fix that window? Hey, get back here you crazy psycho!" The man screams after Ryoga as he runs away.  
  
The Park . . .  
Ranma is standing on a wooden box in the park dressed in white with a big cross over his chest, shouting at people as they walk by. "Months of planning, finally my plans can commence, watch as I prophecy and bring the light into your worthless lives! Behold, I twiddle my thumbs! (does so) Does this not AMAZE you?"  
A guy walking by throws Ranma some yen.  
"The attack! We're under attack! They're shootin' at me!" Ranma screams.  
Ukyo walks by, sees Ranma and sighs. "Uh . . . Ranma Honey, I think you've lost sight of . . . whatever message you're trying to deliver."  
Ranma raised an interested eyebrow at her. "I find your words intriguing and wish to subscribe to your news letter, oh great cheese nip!"  
Ukyo sighed. "Well you were talking about how mankind had to start doing good deeds, getting along and all that . . . now you're wearing a table cloth and a cardboard cross, screaming at people as they walk by."  
"And fer good reason!" Ranma screamed, "A B C D E F G, H I spells hi! It cant be coincidence, it's a message, they walk among us! Repent and thou shalt taste my divine tacos!"  
Ukyo scratched her chin. "Yeah . . . see now you're talking about divine tacos–"  
Ranma gasped! "Who told you about the tacos!? Who squealed!? Was it that baby over there? (points at a baby in a stroller parked next to it's mother, sitting on a park bench across from Ranma) That pipsqueak's been giving me dirty looks all day! (Shakes his fist at the infant) Hey you! Yeah, you! Shut up!"  
"Will you stop yelling at my baby?!" Some woman demands.  
Ranma lets out another gasp! "An infidel! Go forth my minions, dry hump the non-believer!"  
"What the heck does that mean?" Ukyo asked.  
Ranma gives her a confused look. "Eh? Oh Ukyo! Help me bring peace to the world! I am tired, so very tired! The shoes will come back and doom us all with their groovy, schmoovy, booby doomy! Heh-heh . . . booby."  
Ukyo shakes her head, "Go home and rest, Ranma."  
"Impossible! Cant do it! You speak nonsense! You speak lies! You speak like a beautiful speaking . . . thing!"  
"Shut up and--oh you think I'm beautiful?" Ukyo's chest swelled with pride.  
"I am so tired . . . but I cant sleep . . . no rest for the weary! The world's gotta be saved! (Points at a fat man walking by) Hey you! Don't think I don't see ya! Get back here and listen t'me! For the sake of all myan kyind you must go home and butter your children, then place them on the cloths line to dry!"  
The man looks at him in confusion, "What? But I don't have any children."  
"Your neighbor's children then, but do it quickly or you'll get tape worms!"  
The man ran off screaming. "Oh no! My butt itches already! AHH!"  
Ukyo shakes her head in pity. 'Myan Kyind' was too stupid to deserve saving. "Ranma Honey, you're scaring me . . ."  
Ranma laughed maniacally. "Then my mission is complete! Watch my thumb twiddling! YOU (shakes a fist at the baby) observe the thumb twiddling! I haven't harvested my belly button lint in ten minutes! Take me to your leaders, I demand t'see the janitor!"  
Ukyo shakes her head and waves on the passers by, "Please forgive my friend, he's a bit insane at the moment."  
"Rock the cradle of love! Rock the cradle of love! Yes the cradle of love don't rock easy, but it better or I'm gonna learn it a lesson it wont forget! I'll cut that cocky little jerk in half with the axe of love!"  
"Ranma . . . I think you need to go home and rest. After you've had a little nap you can come back here and yell at people again."  
Ranma ignored her now, "My eternal lasting jaw cruncher capped out on me, eternal lasting my foot! Holy crap I've got a foot! Get it off, get it off!"  
"I don't know what you smoked, but I insist you take a nap. When you wake up, I think we should have a little talk about the effects drugs have on the human brain." Ukyo said in disappointment.  
Ranma looked around in panic, "Bugs? Where're the bugs? Get them away! They wont pop my cherry! Not my cherry I tells ya! Get those cherry poppin' bugs away!"  
BAM! Ukyo slaps him in the face with her spatula, rendering him unconscious.  
The people in the park cheer and throw her money, which she collects, then she drags Ranma off.  
  
Tendo Training Hall . . .  
Ranma awakes from his involuntary nap with a start. Xero is standing on the edge of his bed . . . or rather the hologram of Xero standing on Akane's bed, which Ranma had been put to sleep in . . . it was comfortable.  
"Greetings Jackass!" Xero beams.  
Ranma rubbes his head. "Why do you keep calling me that?"  
"It is your name."  
"I already got a name, it's Ranma."  
"That's a stupid name." Xero sighs.  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah!"  
"Uh-ha!"  
"Nuh-ah times infinity!" Ranma cries in triumph.  
"Are you trying to tell me," The holographic shoe demanded, "that because your primitive race cant think of a number higher than 'infinity' you automatically win this argument?"  
"Yes."  
"Curse you! Fine! Well . . . then you shall introduce me to your herd, Sum, take notes, this is fascinating, the humans actually have names of their own!"  
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ranma shrugged.   
Xero disappears and the L.I.L. Annoyance buzzes around Ranma's ear. Ranma goes out to the living room where everyone is sitting around, talking, Nabiki seems to be telling them all some sort of very amusing story.  
"So then I says to Kuno-baby, I says 'sure you can put it in his mouth, if you've got the money, and as long as Ranma doesn't wake up. Heck with some cold water you could put it in his . . . oh, hello Ranma!"  
Ranma decides to pretend he heard nothing of what Nabiki said. "These are the Tendo sisters, Kasumi, age twenty, Nabiki, age eighteen, and Akane, age seventeen. Akane and I are destined to be man and wife, you know her as, I believe, Flat Chested Violent Maniac. Over there is my former good buddy Ryoga."  
"When was I ever your good buddy?" Ryoga scoffs.  
Ranma continues, "I'm not talking to Ryoga and Nabiki anymore, 'cause they did nasty freaky things in the kitchen. They disgust me, these things that they do."  
Soun looms over Nabiki and Ryoga, "Oh really . . . tell me of these things."  
Nabiki chuckles nervously, "Don't listen to him daddy, he speaks craziness!"  
Ranma continues with the tour, "Over here we have Mister Soun Tendo, father of Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane in that order. He pays all the bills. And here we have my father, Genma Saotome, fat lazy useless–"  
Genma sighs, "Is he narrating his own life again?"  
Kasumi shakes her head, "Don't be silly . . . he's obviously introducing us to his imaginary friends."  
Ryoga scratches his chin, "Well now that I think of it, he did say something about an alien who wanted to destroy the world . . ."  
Ranma continues, "And here is Ukyo, my childhood friend who I thought was a boy. But now that we're older, and I saw her breasts on accident a couple times, so I'm pretty sure she's a girl."  
Ukyo twitches, "Pretty sure!? Pretty sure! We're engaged and you're just 'pretty sure'?!"  
"Oh yeah, Ukyo is also my fiancee, once again arranged by my useless father." Ranma chuckles.  
Genma looks around nervously, incase his wife is slithering about. "The boy does speak craziness!"  
Soun eyes Nabiki and Ryoga, then Ukyo's breasts, "I wonder . . . well if he is crazy there's only one thing we can do . . . tie him up and take him to the institution."  
Ranma stops the introductions, and looks at Soun in surprise, "What!?"  
Two big men in white coats smash the wall down and run in, grab Ranma and drag him out flailing.  
"Goodbye Ranma! We'll visit you some time . . . maybe." Kasumi waves.  
"NNNOOO! I am earth's only hope . . . we is . . . doomed!" Ranma cries.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next time we'll drop in on Ranma in 'the institution', while Xero observes the Tendo family on their daily routine, Ranma will have to find a way to escape and save all myan kyind! 


	5. Loonie Toonie!

Disclaimer: The mental institution is a fake place, it does not really exist and I wouldn't own it if it did. Any and all personalities and places in this story are fictional, resemblance to real persons, places or events is strictly coincidental and unintentional.

Author's Note: Again the institution in this story is a fictional place, there is no such place, and as far as I know the methods used in today's story are false, with the exception of the "quiet room" which isn't as bad as I make it out to be (but it's still a closet . . .)

The Adventures of Xero Brainz!  
Chapter . . . whatever, like you care.  
Loonie Toonie!

And just in time for the fans to forget about it and never return and never care because the evil writer is so caught up with other works that he forgot . . . time now to know what happens to Ranma in the mental asylum!  
"Okay, Donma, was it?" The doctor asks, "Open your mouth and say 'she sells sea shells by the sea shore, she sells her self 'cause she's a wee who-"  
"What the heck?" Ranma demands, "And the name's Ranma, not Donma, get it straight."  
"Right. Well, just say 'ah' then." The doctor nods.  
Ranma does so.  
The doctor shoves a very large needle in his arm.  
"What was that for?" Ranma demanded, "Why'd ya make me say 'ah' why didn't ya tell me ya were gonna stick me, or clean my arm or find a vein or nothin'?"  
"Like bedding a virgin, it's easier if your date doesn't know you're gonna poke--"  
"Crap, darn and some other things I can scream, what is wrong with you?" Ranma rages, "I've got a needle sticking through my arm! It's gone clear through! I could'a sworn there was a bone somewhere in there to block it, but it's gone clear through!"  
"Yes. Yes indeed." The doctor said, "But like bedding a virgin, the pain is fleeting and soon you'll find it's quite pleasurable for the both of us, and--"  
"Are you really the doctor here, or did you just bed his virgin daughter or somethin'?" Ranma demands angrily. He'd clench his fist if he could.  
"So doctor, is he . . . insane?" The strange white coated man asked.  
"Hmm? Oh my no!" The doctor whacks Ranma on the head, "You see his pupils don't become dilated when I do this, so he's unarguably sane."  
"All right!" Ranma cries in excitement, "Doc, I'd kiss you if you didn't frighten and sicken me!"  
"So that means we've gotta take 'im back?" The orderly sighs. "Man, I'm gonna miss the new episode of "As The Earth Spins" if I have ta take this loser back home."  
"Oh! Cant have that," Doctor Virgin-Obsessed says, checking his watch, "Okay, then this kid is absolutely insane."  
"Well gee, I can walk home, or ya could take me after the show's over y'know!" Ranma protests.  
"No, no, no speaking to the deranged is against the rules, fetch him a muzzle!" The doctor cries.  
Ranma frowned and several orderlies showed up and began to force him into a straight jacket. He wasn't sure if that was what they still called them, or if they'd ever been called that, because the only name that seemed to fit was "jacket that suddenly causes nose and back to itch" they then slapped a metal muzzle on him and dragged him away.

Xero watches the view screen with great attention to detail.  
"So this is the real human mating ritual . . . not very exciting." He says.  
"Insert profanity!" Sum cries, "Sir, this would be a pair of humans having a conversation.  
Furthermore these two humans are of the same gender, and are both fully clothed, how you derived the idea that they were mating is beyond me!"  
Xero looks through the screen again, and sees that--what were their names? Kasumi and Akane?  
Yes, they were talking about Ranma and whether or not they'd miss him.  
It seemed they would not.

Kasumi frowns at Akane, "Do you suppose Ranma is really insane?"  
"Do you suppose I really care?" Akane scoffs. "He's out of my hair! If I want to, I can start dating Kuno!"  
Suddenly Kuno appears, knocking the wall down and presenting Akane with a dozen roses.  
"I said 'if I wanted to', and I don't." Akane says.  
Kuno turns around and runs off in the direction of Azusa's house.

"Yes, observing these humans is quite educational." Xero nods. "But I fail to see any merit to them. All they do is mate."  
"That might have something to do with the fact that you perceive everything they do to be a form of mating." Sum points out. "Thus far we've caught three instances of human mating, each time you classified it as something else. Lets see, the two humans that we believe to be the biological parents of Jack--er I mean Ranma, were 'sky diving'. Nabiki and Ryoga were 'reading ancient texts' on the dining table, and this Mister Tendo was 'hitchhiking' with those two sultry looking young females."  
"He said he was paying them for the excellent ride, obviously he was hitchhiking!" Xero cries defensively.  
"Uh . . . yeah." Sum nods, unconvinced. "Anyway sir, those are examples of human mating, everything else we've seen is . . . well examples of humans doing everything but."  
"What makes you so certain?" Xero demanded.  
"Mating involves a lack of clothing, and someone has to make a complete fool of themselves by screaming really stupid things about their world being rocked, or how it's good for them, and most importantly, ask whether or not their partner is going to be going with them somewhere."  
"Going somewhere?" Xero asks.  
"Often one human will say they're about to arrive somewhere, or that they're on their way, and the other will say that they are too, then they look very pleased with themselves and put their cloths back on. The older ones seem to enjoy smoking at this point."  
"Sounds ridiculous." Xero scoffs.  
"Yes," Sum agrees, "and funny. They make silly faces while they do it. However it must be quite enjoyable, because many humans allow it to rule their entire lives. No wonder they still use fossil fuels, believe themselves to be the only intelligent life form on their planet, have yet to develop a population control program, and still wage war on each other. With all the mating these humans do, they don't have time to be intelligent."  
"You've never been laid, have you?" Xero scoffs.  
"Of course not, I was married!" Sum cries.

Ranma was making silly faces too, but he wasn't mating.  
"You see? His cheeks are perfect!" One patient squeals.  
"Oh yes, yes they are. Okay, I'll take them! Give me your cheeks little boy!" Another one says.  
"Get away from me, yer a discredit to dementia!" Ranma cries, waving them away.  
"Do you need to spend some time in the quiet room?" An orderly asks Ranma.  
"The what?" Ranma demands.  
"Hey, we've got one for the quiet room!" The orderly shouted, and two very strong, bearded women showed up and grabbed Ranma. They led him to this "quiet room" which as Ranma was about to find out . . .  
"It's a closet!" Ranma screams, "You freakin' lunatics are going to lock me into a closet?"  
"You're the lunatic around here!" The orderly scowls. "We're the ones who say whose sane and who isn't and we can also suggest the doctors up your dosage, bwahahahaha!"  
"The world will know the truth, justice will be done, and . . . hey, some one a lemonade in here!"  
"That's not lemonade!" The orderly warns, but it's too late for Ranma.  
"Ptew! Ptew!" Ranma begins to violently scratch his tongue, no doubt causing serious permanent damage to his sense of taste, at the moment however it seems like a small price to pay.

About two hours later Ranma is allowed out of the quiet room, he throws the remnants of the 'lemonade' the orderly's face in an act of revenge, and is taken to the 'thinking room' which is actually a big (big here meaning just large enough to fit Ranma if he curled into a ball) steel box, and once Ranma was inside of it the orderlies started banging on it with steel bats and screaming things at him.  
It wasn't as scary as it was disturbing. Ranma wonders what cruel government would do such a thing to it's people, especially those who required the most patience and care of all.  
Eventually he gets out and strongly resists the urge to unleash martial arts death upon the brainless fools that dared to dress in white and claim to maintain order.  
"Pst! Hey!" Someone whispers to Ranma.  
Ranma looks at this person, they're wearing a paper bag over their head. "Who're you?" He asks, "and why d'ya got a paper bag over yer head?"  
"I'm afraid of wide open spaces. Anyway, I can help you get out of here, but you have to make me a promise!"  
"Sure!"  
"When you're out, take this letter to my superiors in the C.I.A.V., it's vitally important that they know that I'm here and that a body double has been sent to assassinate the prime minister of some country, resulting in a war between my country and that country, neither country shall be named for security reasons."  
"Yeah, right on." Ranma nods. "So how d'I get out?"  
Bag head looks around, "Well we'll need a few things . . ."

Twenty minutes later . . .  
"Wow!" Ranma cries, "That was awesome! Such a great adventure that'd take pages and pages of space to tell! Who'd have thought I was such a good sword fighter? Or that I could survive an explosion like that? Well, time to go . . . what's this?" He wonders aloud, looking at Bag head's important letter.  
He crumples it up and throws it away. "I'd a remembered if it was important." He decides. "Now, time to get back to the herd and save humanity, or see to it that Akane dies while I'm trying!"  
Ranma runs towards the Tendo house at top speed--which for him of course is quite fast.  
But then . . . as he's headed home . . .  
"What?" He gasps, "An all you can eat D-Lish-Us Do-Nut stand!" He stops running and runs up to the stand, "I accept your challenge, doughnut man!" He cries and begins to consume unearthly amounts of pastry.

To Be Concluded . . . (wow I love writing that!)

Next time is it's the final chapter, Ranma will either save man kind, or Xero will destroy out world! Uh . . . well it was nice knowing you . . . even though we don't know each other. Whatever.


End file.
